So, I’ve been trying, very hard, to get healthier. I’ve been drinking water, running, walking, dancing, fencing…obsessively tracking what I eat by typing everything into websites that tell me how many calories I’ve eaten versus how many I can get away with, and even subtracts things when I’ve exercised. Since I have to mark “Sedentary” as my life style…can’t get away from the fact that’s secretaries and authors and pretty butt-sitty kinda people, I tend to type in everything. “Did the dishes for 15 minutes! Yay! That’s worth a few calories off!”

It makes moral balancing easy (Well, yes, I ate that chocolate cake, but the Daily plate says that if I fence for 5 hours straight I’ll be totally under my caloric goal!)

This summer it’s either been skeevy hot or storming heavily with a soupcon of thunder and lighting, which does not make it particularly easy to get one’s chubby self out to run. And, if you run too late at night, every truck that slows down so that it doesn’t kill you on the road is really a serial killer debating whether to pounce, yo. Them’s the joys of living in the middle of nowhere.

I would like to know, by the way, how there can be no traffic all day, then when I go out to run everyone and their mother (or imaginary serial rapist brother) wants to go out for a country drive? There are other roads, people. Really.

So, I’ve been thinking about getting an exercise bike. Or even this one bike I found on Amazon that isn’t just a bike, but an elliptical. I have these wonderful fantasies of setting it up in my bedroom, right where I can turn the TV, putting on the Netflix and peddling my fat away while watching Weeds or something with murderers in it. I just need to keep my mind busy.

Ah, I know what you are thinking. You’re a writer! Why can’t you just day dream about your next book?

Well, to be honest, when you’re walking, that’s OK. I actually think very well during walks. But I’m training to be a monster on the fencing field, so I need to be able to run. And walks don’t seem to help me get skinny, they just make me calm and (sometimes) sunburned. And, you know, I’m still not safe from red neck serial killers. Or Zombies. Or rabid wolverines. You know, the things that could be waiting along side the road, day dreaming of their own personal little red riding hood.

But, to get to the point, I can’t day dream while I am running. I am too busy thinking about holding my chest in such a way as it’s not obvious that I am trying to keep my…things…from bouncing. I am also too busy thinking about various parts of my body hurting, how much I hate life right now, and the fact that I am breathing like a steam train and that some water would be really nice right but I only felt like carrying one bottle of water and it has to last. This is not, really, a forum where great feats of imagination can be developed.

And music doesn’t occupy me because, well, in all seriousness it is a narrow (and dark, and lonely) road and I have to listen for cars coming up behind me. Even a perfectly normal non-serial whatever type might run me over if someone’s not paying attention.

So yes. I have determined that a piece of exercise equipment might just suit. I can even position a fan to keep me cool and to make me feel like I’m actually, you know, on a bike. A bike that magically has a TV set with an internet connection floating in front of it. I keep reading reviews and scheming how I can afford this majestic thing and how soon I can get it, because I am SO sure that THIS IS IT and by this time next year I will be skinny as a rail while eating anything I want.

But then we get to the age old debate. Will I actually use it, hoping to someday have a figure like Nancy Botwin, or will it become a stylish, high priced doublet drying device?

Share Button