2. Talking when I’m nervous/talking to form a mask. We had guests here on campus at the beginning of the month, and I could just not shut up to save my life. Part of it was stress…my father was in the hospital, I was obsessing over all these on campus events my department was doing…and part of it was just nervousness that I felt for no good reason. In the SCA, I call myself Gabrielle, which I shorten to Gabby. Has anyone ever been better self named? It probably wasn’t as bad as I thought, but MAN! I’d love to redo those days with some tape for my mouth. The mask part is also because if you talk about things, no one will ask you the real questions. They’ll think they know all they need to know about you.
3. Stop rethinking the past. (See number two.) I keep thinking of things I said and did that were meant to just push words off. I don’t take compliments well (will explain more in number 4.) or sometimes I meant to just be ironically funny. I have a fairly dry sense of humor. Most of the time, when you catch on, you know I’m just being silly or funny, and you will…hopefully…laugh. I usually manage to stop worrying about it…but sometimes, like with one of my close friends who seems to be too busy to say hello, or a guy I kind of was a tiny bit attracted to, I play it all over in my head, wonder what stupid thing I did or didn’t do, and always find something that seems glaringly stupid. Usually seeing them again will fix it, but there are other things in my past that I can’t fix, and I have regrets, and I embrace them, and if I cannot redress, ask God to do it for me, and try to forgive myself and forget
4. My ability to not take compliments. Like, I picked a coat off the floor for someone, and they said thank you, very sweetly, and because I didn’t want them to think anything of it, I said something like, “Oh, I’m just being motherly.” Or when someone says something nice about me, I say, “You’re too kind.” You know, there are instances where I don’t have to say anything. I could just smile sweetly, right? No one’s going to think I’m a huge ego monster if I smile and say thanks? (That’s the weird thing, I always think people will see my smile and thanks as agreement. “Wow, that Cindy has the ego of a horse…she totally agrees that she’s all that!”)
5. Chewing the sides of my thumbnails. For some reason, sometimes, I have this little bit of skin that comes up? And I chew on it to get rid of it, and it makes an icky spot. I have one on the side of my index finger, too, it looks like a little cut. Ooh, attractive.
6. Forgetting to water my plants. Poor, poor little plant babies. 🙁 At least I’m improving on that one already.
7. Buying velvet. A couple of weeks ago, I bought 11 yards of red velvet for 11 bucks. But really, do I need another several yards of velvet? I have several yards of: red, purple, rose, purple-rose, dusk blue, green-with-sparklies and odds and ends of teal, dark blue, green and black. It’s not a lot in the long run, but I would rather like to make dresses out of something else other than velvet.
8. Allowing work life and stress at home to get in the way of working on my writing. I act like that’s the core of what I am (I wonder if that’s just a mask, as well?) yet I’ve not invested the time in it this past month that I should have. It’s not easy…but if I want this to happen, shouldn’t I make sacrifices?
9. Borrowing trouble. Let’s worry about things as they happen, Hmmm? After all, a meteor could hit in the next hour. Oh…wow…I better hurry, then, what happens if I don’t get this Thursday Thirteen done? 😉
10. Stepping on the scale so much. I do NOT need to enter my weight on the daily plate as often as I do, I need to just accept myself, live as healthily as I can, and let the rest go. People say to each other, “Don’t worry! It’s personality that counts!” OK. I believe that…because I don’t really see people’s bodies? I try to see their hearts? But for myself, I think, “Oh, OK, yeah, but how are they going to learn about my personality if they aren’t interested enough to come over in the first place?” Maybe “thinking that the general rules I believe in for everyone else don’t apply to me” should be on this list.
11. Procrastinating in general. Two of my work studies have said things that I think I should try and live by. Lance said that he lives by, “If not now, when?” Stacy once said, “Go big or go home.” The last one is not as applicable to things, though the way she meant it, I think, is either go all the way, or don’t waste people’s (including your own) time. Lance…those simple words make a lot of sense.
12. Using ellipses so danged much. My second drafts of my books are filled with edits of me circling ellipses.
13. Confessing my sins on blogs. 😉 That’s what the LJ is for!
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